yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
