yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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