Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize