fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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