I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
