turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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