you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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