Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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