so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
