I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
