The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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