apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
