Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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