my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize