Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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