FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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