guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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