the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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