I want to walk on stilts...naked
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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