I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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