watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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