I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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