I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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