Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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