I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
