I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want her autograph on my taint
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
