omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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