Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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