he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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