I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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