i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
