I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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