I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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