don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
