There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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