There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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