i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
