Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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