my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
