I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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