I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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