I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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