Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
