yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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