i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize