The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
