You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
