That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
