I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
