So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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