Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
