I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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