saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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