my phone needs a breathalizer
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
