it wasn't lemon gatorade
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
ttyl tear gas
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
