the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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